Monday, August 19, 2013

Starting my Food Log 8/20/13 Day 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I decided to do what I heard on the radio. I listened to this just a few months ago about a girl that was ill and healed herself but then got better and then went back to an omnivorous diet, and then decided to write a blog documenting her daily eating habits to hold her accountable to stay on track to have 365 days of beauty and health and most importantly a happy life!!!!!!!!!!!!


I first have to start and thank god. I am also thankful for my daughter and my boyfriend and family!



Here goes:

Today was not so good. I ate oatmeal maybe 1-1.5 cups with 1/3 cup almond milk, and light maple syrup.

Didn't have lunch due to massage appointments, so I ate 1 bag of gardetto's and 1 bag of Ruffles Sweet and Spicy BBQ Chips (which are HORRIBLE for you, I found out they have 20g fat!!! WTF)

Then I ate at Head West and got a giant tuna sub (12 inch plus!) with all the veggies and mayo, then ate some popcorn today from garrett's, some yogurt covered pretzels, an italian cake, peanut butter crackers, 1 lifesaver, water all day, 1 coke bottle, a few green apple slices, and for dinner...


Lentil soup Amy's, with homeade barley and olive oil,



^^^^^^^^^^^ some people think that's mostly healthy.............riiight. riiight. So far from healthy!!


Today was the only off day I have had within 1 week since I started back eating raw foods (fruits, veggies) and I feel alive and great! My hair it staying very strong and thick, my skin clear and young, eyes clearer, voice more vibrant, smooth skin, my ears are clean and nose clear to breathe and smell.



Anyway, I love to be healthy. I hope I will always be healthy because I love God and want to show him the respect deserved for giving me a healthy body that I can take care of.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Happiness

I can't leave my postings to look so full of rage before I go to bed before midnight (because it's good to go to bed before midnight and keep with circadian rhythms) :)


So I will write some of the things that makes me happiest:


Fuzzy peaches that are organic

The smell of essential oils when I walk in the house (natural soap has a double effect!)

When I fell in the snow on my back- last weekend and because of it I saw the most BEAUTIFUL rainbow in the sky

curly balloon ribbons!

The way my daughter draws pictures that captures such personality and sense of alive!

Sitting in the bath while it is filling up, putting the water on boiling hot and putting my big toe under the spout

new socks

Bed with no sheets and just a soft fluffy comforter wrapped on me

watching kids dance

Easter egg hunting in September

Watching wild animals

Finding a secret spot and exploring it

Pushing through the burn sensation when working out

Dreaming....awake....and asleep.


Although I seem full of rage (think Limp Bizkit BREAK STUFF)....I am actually very fluffy inside...


Just remember..anyone that looks so happy and carefree and full of passion also has an equally negative passionate side...

Just keeping mine in balance :D...venting done...Tomorrow will be BEAUTIFUL!

Smelly shoes, dollar store present, Nice Jeans.

Damn. My feet smell like funk. Because I am poor. Too poor to buy shoes, and the shoes I do buy are cheap-ass ones cuz that's what I can afford. P.s. I am beyond poverty-stricken...way below the poverty level income, like less than $12,000 a year...


  I try so fucking hard, and what do I get? Anyway...I am going to complain about it. It pisses me off that I make one wrong decision...that can't be unavoided..I mean relationships are NOT concrete EVEN if you ARE married..(ie. massive divorce rate in America!!) ....sure I was an unwed single mother,,and the father that I had a almost 2 year relationship with...I had a huge feeling he wouldn't be involved... ching ching I was right..or rather silence silence...cuz that's what I hear in my bank account.


 I got the losers of losers....some loser who had a deadbeat for a father....he came from poor ass Cuba....came to America with his single-mom where she busted her ass and was unhappy a lot of the time but she made it (barely) for her and her family)....turns out fruit doesn't fall far from the tree..because he is a deadbeat too! You would think if you grew up like that (ULTRA SHITTY) you would NEVER do that to your own child....


Did I mention that he  works under a false social security number so he can actively NOT pay the very small amount of 20% of child support. Fucking loser (his grandpa has the same name so he took his to work)....it's bullshit.


You know what is so crooked? CHILD SUPPORT. I got a free lawyer...nothing....I go to the child support and tell them, I go to website, write letters, call in....nothing...nothing nothing....and then I say hey I have his social security number we can find out where he lives....nothing....and then they say he will have jailtime and have his tax return garnished if he doesn't pay....nothing.....fucking losers get off scott free...


and then to top if off dumb women are dating losers like that not knowing that they are deabeats..because they leave this deadbeat side of them a secret.


And who pays for it....my daughter...because I made a bad decision to not know if he would stick around.....now we pay......everyone pays........the government..peoples taxes etc....


DO you think I LIKE getting help? It fucking sucks....I fucking hate that I can't survive. I try so much going to school full-time, working part-time, and working my own business in my home in the evenings....and for what??????? To have smelly shoes because I can't afford them.....stained clothes for my daughter,


but because we have a few nice items...people think we are doing good...people don't want to help...just because I have a fashion oriented mind...we don't look poor. So when I go to kid birthday parties and buy some dollar store presents.....they look at me liike I am a bad human being....look at that cheapskate girl....yeah...I am sure you people are thinking that....forget it.



What a joke. I am black balled......single people don't want to be friends with single parents because they have a single life and are hanging out not being responsible...or at least not dealing with shit...so they don't want to be around me....then married people don't want to be friends with me because they associate with married people or single friends, but not the single parent because she might steal my husband...or because I am not in her place, and then single parents don't want single parents for freinds because they are too fucking stressed out and don't to be around other people that are stressed out...and they don't even have time..because they are both single parents too damn busy and worked to the bone....and then there are the men....men love single parent women because they are a vulnerable and easy target....soo basically I am black balled...and everyone thinks I am happy and living off the goverment when I bust my fucking ass...


I am talking about being a single parent with NO SUPPORT. I am lucky to have my father who gives me a car, and pays for my phone...but other than that...zero support. sure an occasional grandma watching my daughter (maybe once a month, or once every few months) and the only reason she watches her is so I can work..I rarely do anything for free time...HAHA...free time...

I am lucky to take a shower in my free time so I don't smell like a dirt bag..I am lucky to wash my hair 3 times a week because I take rinses....hair doesn't get time..because I don't have time...


Time....the one thing that keeps running....


and then when I get sick of it all..I want to pretend that we can afford basic things like clothing so I go online and try to find things that are expensive for cheap (I recently love ebay) and then I get some used (but new to me) shoes ....just to put us in a financial hole for 2 months for 10 shirts for my daughter, 2 pants for me, and 1 pair of shoes for both of us....


I fucking hate being a single mother and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.


Now I am not complaining that I have it the worst...because lord am I extremely blessed. We are NEVER ill..because I am very vigilant on our health..I cannot AFFORD for us to be sick even once..if I am sick because I am the single one running everything I would get fired if I miss alot....and taking off work means no money, and we can't live...so I am very blessed for our health...

and I live in America so even below poverty level..I am fucking rich...nobody in America knows poverty...we don't even know what it means to be hungry because their are food banks (which I will have to utilize next month because we are so fucking broke)....but the resources are there...it's the self pride that gets in the way...but fuck it...I can't help our shitty situation...


I am 30 hrs away on school of getting a bachelor's and I just dropped out...because I can't afford to pay for school, and I can't afford to work part time anymore...because It isn';t making scrap....I need a career...not a job...  I wish everything were better...


I heard this mom complain @ the kid birthday party....." OOOOH I can't wait until my husband starts working 1st shift (he works 3rd) so she can get some relief from her kids....well efff you bitch...and how dare you have such fucking luxury....


I can't help but to be envious..I am living in total fucking solitude..and I couldn't even change anything if I wanted because it would mean having more TIME...and that is something I don't. Now having more money would change things....I wish I had less morals...the old me a few years ago could have been stripping now and I could have had all our debt paid off and maybe Mommy would be a whore...but we wouldn't have smelly fucking shoes and people wouldn't be looking down at our dollar store fucking presents...


the world is so material...and while they judge the way you make money....they judge you not having it....and I don't care to have friends because I am in a very low income class and the only friends I will attract are low-income...which are also people in shitty ass lives...so I elect to live in solitude until I can make more money...


Things are going to be changing very soon here....and OH OH..if any feminist ever reads my blog here is a BIG FUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOUUU. You dumb bitches wanted to have EQUALITY..yep....they gave you your false sense of equality*bitches should realize we will NEVER be equal and it isn't even created that way!!!....but now you chose to have equality....now you can be forced to be the breadwinners in the family,,work in a 2 income family, work when your baby is 6 weeks old, and be super woman...(i.e. need to look like a porn star, have all the lunches made in an OCD manner, do all the housework, work a job etc. etc.) hey you can do it all...and you can have your man just so you can appear that things are easier....when they are just minorly less shitty than my situation...



I really hate feminists...but it's not their fault...it was WWII , and then it was the great depression, and then the rockafeller's....go back go back....you will see it's all a part of the fucking plan....



and yet nobody wants to wake the fuck up..we are focused on small details...like what to make for dinner....and what to wear at Easter...blah blah...


fucking material world....you wait and I will get back at you...then I will crash anything monetary so we can ALL go back to bartering...where we can still have accountants that keep the checks and balances on bartering and services are bartered for services...I mean is ANYTHING FREE??? NO...so why not pay for it without paying for it? IE GIVING TO OTHERS??? NO cuz we are all spiritually dead and we are relying on THE BIG GOVERNMENT TO BABY US.....


Hello people....you work hard 40 plus hours for the very thing that is FREE!!! MONEY...IT GROWS ON A TREE>>>A TREE THAT GIVES YOU LIFE>>>THAT IS FREE>>THAT GOD PUT ON THE EARTH>>>YET YOU WORK FOR IT> (just think about that...think about the time it took to cut down a huge tree and make bills....within a day you could print yourself probably more than a billion dollars)...yet the CONCEPT is what you are fucking working for...and yet NOBODY WILL STAND UP....so everyone gets fucked....


I don't care if you do have a good job and benefits blah blah....do you enjoy your life...what is the real purpose?? I mean what did you TRULY accomplish? we are supposed to be enjoying life..not living like slaves...but we are consumers and so we are slaves to ourselves for that which has been created for us...and yet we are so dumb we will not wake up....


what a detriment the human race....when will we learn...evolve...towards more idiocracy.....

ADD brain @ the kid birthday party

I guess I will start blogging again since I have no friends and I loathe the fake and time-waster called facebook.


I just went to another kid party tonight. Now my daughter is 6. It's been awhile since I last blogged. I will start doing it more,and after I vent all the garbage out I will start focusing on some more prominent issues at hand.


I realized something as I was leaving the party...I am very very very shy! Not that this is news to me, but I know that growing up the only reason I had so many friends (I was very popular) was because of the activities/sports/events/ etc. etc. that I was involved in during my upbringing. Now whenever I make friends (rarely!) it is because of where I work, or go to school.  More and more I do not make friends, and the friends that I do have are men!

 Turns out there is some thing called pretty girl syndrome or whatever (obviously this is not a real syndrome..) but it kind of is....I realize why I do not make friends...because I have been conditioned to not have a need to hone my people skills because I was constantly being approached. Even as a 26 year old adult, I am making friends because people approach ME, not vice versa.


  I thought all of this as I leave the party, and think I say to my daughter...I am a very quiet person...I didn't talk to almost anybody! And my daughter is the opposite..quite the extrovert. Don't get me wrong I am not in the least reserved..but if I don't know anyone very personally I am very very very reserved. And I don't feel the need to approach anyone because I don't know what to say and I don't want to say anything...seems like trying to me...and I just don't want to! But then I complain when I don't have friends close to me...ahh the struggle of being a lifelong loner, but being an internal party animal...


It's weird because I always do want friends, but then when I do have a few of them, or I spend some time with aquaintances I am like bleeeeeeeckkk....thanks that was fun...but now I am going to go dance around my room at home, eat as much food (with my hands if I want) and jump on my bed...haha! I am so free spirited I feel that people KILL that part of me...and it's not because I don't think people will like me...but they have verbalized that...they want to kill my free spirit! My joyous spirit and it's weird because around them...I enjoy things FAR less.....

Take this for example...after this kid party we go and play at this kids play area inside the mall,,,and there are a few other little girls and their mom and dad there. I don't need to befriend them, but I am polite and smile at them occassionally from across the way. Anyway, for a small moment I had an envious feeling inside like...hmm...I wish I were married like that couple...they look very nice together...until I hear them talk!


The dad starts saying to the girl "cheater, cheater!!" (the daughter is like 5) he's telling her No you can't cheat if you are playing hide and seek blah blah,, and then starts to micromanage the simple game of hide and seek (in a fun-loving way) to my daughter too.I heard the mom chime in on the hide and seek game, all the while I am just enjoying the scenery, watching people above and below...taking a quiet moment to myself, and them looking at the children enjoying THEMSELVES..(well attempting to without the micromanagement)...I mean that really shows me how immature those parents are, and no wonder kids are going to school calling other kids names...uuuugh cuz their parents are! I mean no way am I a perfect parent...but I do not want to socialize with people like that!


Anyway....it made me realize even more why I keep to myself...and then the other moms next to me...diciplining the 2 year old...and it didn't really sound like discipline...anyway I looked all around and I saw kids that never grew up!! (aka adults)...and that's what we are folks...kids raising kids....cuz we aren't perfect...but it's weird because it bothers me and I don't want to be around those type of people for a long time...


I really do want to get married...but then all the married women I massage at work (I am a massage therapist) are all fat and ugly and have health problems..I feel like many married people stop taking care of their health...they start to become one person (usually the woman becoming like the man)..or the man becoming the woman's doormat...either way...doesn't sound like the dream I envision of marriage...then it makes me happy to be single...until I am at kid birthday party where both parents are present...or I am black-listed becase their is an unknown knowing that I am a single parent...or maybe it's my own internal problem because I don't socialize and smile to myself.

If you can't tell....I am highly analytical..but at the same time don't give 2 shits. I am like both ends of the spectrum..jeckyll and hide beh-behhhh~!


muah-hahahahahah.


Also how I want to just dance in public..but because of how I look I don't want to draw too much attention...that's the bullshit about looking beautiful....if you do anyting to have fun...people start thingking you think you are superior to them...and I am not I am humble....but trust me I would know people think this by what they told me they thought of me...before they got a chance to get to know me....people are so quick to judge by appearances....just cuz I look like a Barbie doll...doesn't mean that I don't act like Raggedy Annn....cuuuz I do.



Oh to hell with it. These are the thoughts I think at kid birthday parties...when everyone talks with the people they came with...and I sit their alone..because I don't want to have to try and fit in...cuz really....I don't care that much, but in the moment...it kinda sucks...



Monday, May 16, 2011

Apathy

I feel dead inside. Numb. Nothing there. Well...there is something. Mostly not good. Lots of guilt. Too much confusion. Without hope and a sense of direction. I built on glass and not rock. My entire foundation is crumbling.

Money. Society. Standards.

Do.....Be......and NOW!

Oh you're daughter was sick? Oh you're tired?

GET OVER IT!  BECAUSE... I... DON'T.. CARE.

Who does care in this life?


Nobody. Except for God. That's all I've got.

I'm losing hope.

I feel dead. What's this life for anyway?

To have things? To show our accomplishments and achievements?

To love and be loved?

What a joke.

Who are we, where did we come from, and where are we going?

This world is too much. And not in the good way.

This isn't the reality I signed up for.


I'm not going to go jump off a a bridge.

But really...

In the end

all the details and massive confusion we have created...was it really worth it?


The world prides itself on humans being the most evolved and condoning other species through speciesism.

Ups and downs...we call this living...I call it dying.

Life is simple.

Love.

Somehow we over- complicated everything

We are not evolving but are dying...if we were evolving we would be able to have mastered some basic problems that continue to be repeated throughout history.